


waiting

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Category: SHINee
Genre: Deathfic, I'm sorry?, Is this angst, M/M, Multi, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, i used girlee a lot, minor other shinee ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: in which jonghyun is dead, and kibum is not, and jonghyun is waiting.





	

the last thing jonghyun remembers is kibum. his face contorted into anguish and screams of jonghyun's name, broken and gasping, falling from his mouth. he remembers trying to whisper kibum's name, trying to flutter fingers over his cheekbones, before the world goes black.

 

he wakes up in a field of green, and kibum is gone. so is the characteristic hospital smell of disinfectant and detergent, and that incessant beep of machines. it smells like the countryside, and it looks like it too, small houses spaced too far apart and greenery everywhere. so different from the concrete jungle he's used to. somehow the view makes him crack a smile. for so long they had talked about moving to a less busy state, he and kibum. of going to somewhere that didn't have as much pressure pushing at their chests. and he is here now, but kibum is not. because jonghyun has committed the unimaginable crime of dying first.

 

an image of a vicious kibum charging him in court for dying too early makes jonghyun laugh a little, but it slowly dissolves into tears. heavy, breathless, almost hysterical. he wonders if kibum is crying like this, in a world where jonghyun no longer exists. he wonders if anyone is holding kibum, if anyone is brushing away his tears.

 

a pair of arms curling around jonghyun's shoulders makes the tears abruptly stop, a sob braking right at the opening of his throat. pulling his fingers away from his tear-streaked cheeks, he's met by a gentle grin and a wide eyed gaze.

 

"it always starts out like this," the person says softly. "it gets a little better the longer you're here."

 

jonghyun lets out a disbelieving snort. he doesn't think the crater in his chest will ever stop screaming in pain.

 

the person hasn't taken back their arms yet, in fact they've tightened their hold around jonghyun, and they're gently rocking him, like he's a child. and despite himself, he feels tendrils of calm float over and twine into his despair. his shallow breaths deepen into slower ones and that's when the arms pull away.

 

"i'm minho," the person says, their voice a smooth baritone. jonghyun's bleary eyes focus on their face, and he notices that this person is very attractive, sharp nose, high forehead, chiselled jaw, and curling black hair falling to their collarbones. they could look arrogant, jonghyun imagines, but there's a childish innocent joy framing their round eyes and mouth that softens the proud lines of their features.

 

"where am i?" jonghyun's voice is thick, his words muffled. as if his tongue is too large for his mouth. at least that's what kibum always used to say. and the thought makes jonghyun have to swallow back the grief-stricken scream rolling out from his chest.

 

"this is where you go when you're waiting," minho says simply.

 

when they don't elaborate, jonghyun presses. "waiting?"

 

"if you left someone behind," minho explains. and they smile. "there are many people waiting, but it's not often you see each other. people mostly like to wait alone."

 

"am i in limbo?" jonghyun asks. "if i wait long enough will i go to heaven?"

 

minho shrugs. "i don't think there's really a heaven. at least not like what humans imagine it to be. but i don't really remember what it's like anymore."

 

"are you an angel?"

 

"i'm minho." it's another easy grin that's given to jonghyun, and he stops asking questions. perhaps even angels, or whatever minho is, don't have all the answers. perhaps not even god does. if he exists.

 

minho stands and offers their hand to jonghyun, and when he stands up, leads him to a little cottage just off to the left with floral curtains and a flower garden, and jonghyun almost laughs. because it looks like the cottages kibum would sketch sometimes, when he was being idealistic about countrysides and a quiet life. if roo comes running out, jonghyun thinks. it would be exactly the way kibum dreamed. once upon a time, before jonghyun got sick, before roo died, when everything was limitless.

 

as if responding to his thoughts, he hears a quiet, curious bark. that sounds just like her, jonghyun thinks dreamily. and when a small black figure runs out of the door and barrels into him, happy yipping spilling out around them, he thinks he must have imagined her. but when he stoops down, and picks her up, he feels her fur, and her tongue lapping at his face, and the wriggling joy in her body. she feels real, she feels alive, or whatever form of life exists in this realm.

 

his eyes meet minho's and they smile. "not only humans wait," they remark, and turn to leave.

 

"wait," jonghyun says, and minho stops but does not turn to face him. perhaps they know the question on the tip of jonghyun's tongue. "is there any way i can see him?"

 

"no," minho says. they don't need to ask who jonghyun is referring to. "here is where you wait. there are others who watch, but they cannot wait."

 

when they stride away, jonghyun breathes out a sigh. perhaps waiting implies some kind of reunion at the end of it. or perhaps this is a long cruel joke by whoever is in power up there. perhaps this is it, all there is. he sighs, he doesn't want to think like that.

 

"well," he tells roo. "let's see what there is to do here then."

 

~-~

 

there isn't overly much to do. minho wasn't joking when they said this is where waiting happens.

 

"do people just sit here and do that?" jonghyun muses aloud to roo. "just wait? did you?" he chuckles softly when roo pushes her head into his knee. "maybe you did." he brushes his fingers into her fur, still marvelling at the warmth under his palm.

 

"you're a little difficult, aren't you?" that minho is at his door and judgement is obvious in their words should offend or scare jonghyun, but he's learned that the movements of minho are not easily tracked, and their words never as cruel as they sometimes seem to be.

 

"bummie used to call me that too," he says easily.

 

minho ignores him, looking out into the green hills that surround jonghyun's little cottage. "if you walk far enough, and they don't mind visitors, you'll find other people." they don't say anymore than that, and are subsequently gone in a blink of an eye but jonghyun smiles.

 

that night he walks in the direction of north, and slowly the countryside surroundings give way to sandy beaches, softly lapping waves and the tang of salt in the breeze. there's a house built just beyond the ocean, and jonghyun thinks maybe that's where he'll meet more of those who wait.

 

jonghyun meets a young man named taemin, and he's waiting for his wife. he's slender, like a sapling, like he could blow away in the breeze. and he moves like he's dancing on air. taemin tells jonghyun about his life while they watch the waves, about meeting his wife, four years older, the best friend of his sister, and falling in love at 12, of waiting until he was 18 to pursue her. of his sister's shock, and his wife's amusement. and the soft touch of her hand in his. it had been a simple life, his and eunsook's, hardships and trials, simple joys and laughter, and always, her hand in his. three children and five grandchildren later he had passed away and now he was waiting for her to join him.

 

"women live longer," taemin says, and he laughs. "she likes the sea." they lapse into silence and perhaps it is jonghyun's turn to tell his story, but he doesn't. his story feels ugly in the pureness of taemin's. instead they watch as the ocean flows over the sand and then jonghyun and roo walk back to his cottage.

 

~~

 

in the east, it's cold, winter tracing her art along tree branches and window sills, and he shivers when a stray wind dances its way along his spine. he meets jinki there, where he's ensconced in a warm house with a crackling fire, with a smile that makes jonghyun think he belongs in a summer day. "junghee doesn't like summer," he says when jonghyun tells him that, and his laugh is affectionate.

 

jinki's thread to earth was cut when a drunk driver forgot to brake, and he left behind his pregnant wife and gentle dreams of growing old together. and yet bitterness doesn't mar his smile. "you get what you get," he tells jonghyun. and jonghyun nods like he understands.

 

"we were going to have a little girl," jinki tells him. "junghee was so excited to dress her up in all the pretty clothes." and when he sighs, it's wistful. "i hope she still did, she's probably a great mother."

 

"isn't it weird," jonghyun says. "that we're here waiting for them but their time has flowed on?"

 

"maybe time only matters when we're with them. maybe time will start again when we reunite."

 

jonghyun closes his eyes. "i wish i believed as much as you do."

 

jinki doesn't say anything in response, just pats the back of jonghyun's hand.

 

~-~

 

in the south, it's autumn, the trees brilliant in their golden colours. and jonghyun meets gwiboon. she reminds him of kibum a little, sharp and cutting, angular edges and clever mouth. she makes him miss kibum. makes him wonder if kibum still misses him, if maybe in the world where jonghyun no longer is, he has moved on.

 

everyone he's met seems sure that they are waiting for a purpose, that sooner or later, they'll be together in the end. but when he hears their stories he feels that maybe that he is here as an error, that maybe he should have been one of those who watch but can't wait. that sometimes the gods play malicious tricks.

 

he doesn't tell this to anyone.

 

gwiboon is waiting for her best friend, and she's the first person he's met who isn't waiting for a lover. the cackling laugh gwiboon lets out when he tells her, seems too loud for the melancholy of her surroundings. "is romantic love really the most important?"

 

minjung was gwiboon's other half, her keeper of secrets, her comfort, her shelter, her rock. "to steal a line from a tv show," gwiboon says. "she was my person." they had met in the stormy waters of adolescence in a convent school and together they navigated the trials of boys, studies, and the over emphasis on physical beauty and finding a husband. even when minjung had eventually gotten married, gwiboon remained her person, the first person who heard news, the first person who heard sorrow.

 

"her husband used to say i was her secret lesbian lover." gwiboon's eyes are bright with mirth. "he didn't know i actually _do_ like girls, and i really was in love with her once upon a time." she glances at jonghyun from the corner of her eye, almost like she's challenging him to judge her.

 

"i'm bi," jonghyun says simply. he meets her gaze squarely and gwiboon nods like it doesn't surprise her.

 

"how did you stay friends with her?" jonghyun asks quietly.

 

"eventually i wanted her in my life more than i wanted her to be mine," gwiboon says. "you don't always get what you want.

 

"i was happy," she concludes. "that was enough." her gaze turns inward, like she's running through memories.

 

jonghyun wonders if it actually _is_ enough. a knock on the door prevents them from reminiscing further.

 

that it's minho isn't surprising, only that they knocked. they've brought someone else with them, tall, striking, slim, black hair in curls down her back. gwiboon lets out a soft gasp when she sees the woman, and the woman's face crinkles into a brilliant smile. "gwi," she says. "i've missed you."

 

gwiboon runs full tilt and crashes into her arms, and the woman wraps arms around gwiboon's waist and swings her up. this must be minjung, jonghyun thinks.

 

their memories turn into images across the walls. minjung the sports champion, minjung the buffet junkie who never put on weight, much to gwiboon's displeasure, minjung who listened to gwiboon's fears at 2.45am, and let tears wet her expensive clothes. minjung, who was everything to gwiboon. and it isn't romantic love, at least not mutual, but as he watches them laugh together, he thinks maybe that was okay.

 

the four walls around them fade and disappear and the autumn leaves slowly reverse back into green. and jonghyun is back in his countryside cottage again. minho looks at him, intent and serious. "it wasn't an error," they say, and then they disappear too.

 

~-~

 

_jonghyun and kibum met in a gay bar, where jonghyun was bartender and where kibum wasn't supposed to be. kibum, a rich man's son, too many titles, too many burdens, and a future wife picked out since he was five. jonghyun identified his type the minute kibum walked in. "another repressed one," he muttered to taeyeon, his fellow bartender. and taeyeon's answering shout of a laugh is too sharp._

 

_but kibum wasn't typical, or repressed. he was beautiful and frank and far too captivating. he slid into the stool just in front of jonghyun and arched a finely plucked eyebrow and grinned. and the flash of teeth does something to jonghyun's stomach. he ordered vodka on the rocks and grimaced as he drank it down, and jonghyun let out a laugh that was too improperly covered. kibum glanced over. "are you laughing at me?" and his voice is low and drawling and sexy, and jonghyun felt desire kick in his gut and in that moment he was sunk. "maybe," he replied. and kibum raised an eyebrow again, and the scar there looked unnervingly attractive._

 

_the first time they fuck was after one of jonghyun's shifts, when kibum stayed too long, alcohol turning him loose and languid. "don't you have someone you need to go home to?" jonghyun asked, as he rinsed the glasses and watched kibum's face. kibum shrugged, mouth twisting, "no one important." he reached across and tugged jonghyun in by his collar, and their mouths met, wet and sloppy. and jonghyun knew he should say no, should push kibum away, but want had been hiding too long under his skin, with it late night fantasies of kibum's long fingers and sinful mouth. and then kibum sucked jonghyun's tongue into his mouth and he made a decision to forget._

 

_"do you live nearby?" kibum whispered, harsh and hoarse. and jonghyun wanted to find out what he sounds like wrecked and wasted, what he sounds like when he's in nothing but skin and sweat._

 

_"yes."_

 

_~-~_

 

_the next morning, he woke up guilt-stricken. there was a fiancee, he had seen the ring, had heard the stories. did it matter that they did not love each other? that the union was their parents' gameplan and no one else's? he wanted kibum, and kibum wanted him. that was what mattered, right?_

 

_kibum woke up in the midst of jonghyun's moral deliberation, and lazily ran fingers down the knobs of jonghyun's bare back. "you probably should leave," jonghyun said, gazing at kibum's sleep-lidded eyes, and tousled hair._

 

_"i don't want to," kibum replied. and his fingers danced lower, brushing over the curve of jonghyun's ass, slipping into his crack. and at jonghyun's sharp inhalation, kibum laughed, low and almost mocking. "i don't think you want me to either."_

 

_instead of answering, jonghyun reached up and pulled kibum into a kiss, desperate and hard, trying to erase the world beyond the two of them and his bed._

 

_~-~_

 

_he was a secret affair, an extraneous puzzle piece that would need to be eradicated once the time came. he was a plaything, a distraction from the pressures that were to come in kibum's life. and he knew that. he knew they weren't forever. he knew he shouldn't want it._

 

_until he did, until all he wanted was to wake up with kibum every morning, to love kibum in public and into forever._

 

_the feelings were kept under wraps, suppressed, repressed, denied. until one day kibum said the words first. "i love you. fuck, i love you."_

 

_and jonghyun stared at him and kibum was crying, and it felt like the world was shattering around them, like everything was hopeless._

 

_he dropped his head into kibum's shoulders, curled into him and cried too._

 

_i love you too. fuck, i do._

 

_~-~_

 

_the aftermath happened without his knowledge or approval, fuelled by kibum's bullheadedness and single mindedness. kibum disappeared for months after, without a word, and it seemed as if his declaration of affection had been nothing but a misty dream._

 

_and when he finally came back, there was a distinct seriousness and certainty in the planes of his face that jonghyun hadn't seen previously._

 

_"i left them," kibum said, as soon as jonghyun passed him his drink. he looked straight into jonghyun's eyes, and there's something shimmering there that makes jonghyun want to dodge, to hide. something too serious, out of shape in kibum's face._

 

_"left...who?" jonghyun was afraid to ask, afraid that the answer would be something he couldn't handle._

 

_"my parents, that girl, that life." and kibum was far too blasè, far too unconcerned._

 

_"why?"_

 

_"because i love you." he smiled and curled fingers over jonghyun's cheek and kissed him, and jonghyun kissed him back. and later he would tease him for his forward assumptions, later they would laugh. but at that moment there was nothing but dumb joy._

 

_it was almost too much, too much given up for one person, one jonghyun._

 

~-~

 

it turns into a burden over the years, the niggling feeling that maybe he's made kibum give up far too much, comfort and money and safety nets, for lower rung jobs, a smaller bed and cooking for himself. like he had single-handedly taken him from the lap of luxury into a struggle. even if it had all been done without input from him.  

 

here, in the waiting, the fear has become a dense cloud of ash and smoke, too difficult to breathe, too difficult to think. in their life together kibum never said anything to hint at it, seemed to take on everything with serenity and joy. but the guilt gnawed at jonghyun, ever present.

 

the fact that they only had a short eight years together before illness made itself known in jonghyun's blood makes him think that the world believed in his guilt too.

 

he doesn't know how long he'll have to wait, and the fears grind their blades on his mind, turns beautiful memories into shame, second guessing and too much anxiety. waiting is a painful process when you think you're holding on to nothing. when you cannot see, when you cannot predict, when you cannot be certain.

 

each of the other waiting ones seem to have such surety, seem to be at peace, and he alone is anxious, is dreading the end of the wait, fears being told he is a mistake, that the one he's waiting for didn't want him. fears that even that might not happen, that he'll be left, no words, no closure.

 

 _it wasn't an error,_ minho had said. but what did they know anyway?

 

_they're something like a guardian, taemin told him. they were here from long before, before you before me. people who've left guessed minho was sent here by a vindictive god, but we never ask and they never share._

 

mysteries upon mysteries and all jonghyun wants suddenly is blackness and nothing, no emotion, no dreams, no fear, nothing. and not this...useless hope, to see kibum's face again, to hear his laugh, to believe their love was something worth waiting for, that _jonghyun_ is someone kibum wants to come back to. forever.

 

he wonders how long it's been since he left the earth, how long it's been since he entered this never changing landscape, trapped like a jail, like he is suspended in time.

 

"i told you it wasn't an error." minho's voice collides into his musings. and for a moment jonghyun wants to yell at them for never having the consideration to knock, but roo lets out a soft questioning bark, and the responding laugh is like an ache of home. then, a familiar voice utters his name and all his breath is knocked from his chest.

 

"jjong?" kibum says again, tentative and unsure, because it _is_ kibum, is it not? because it's his voice, long unheard, never forgotten. but jonghyun is afraid to look, afraid to see disappointment in kibum's eyes, afraid to give in to the jittering, restless need to fling himself into kibum's arms and never let go.

 

it's kibum who goes to him, lifting his chin up so their gazes meet. jonghyun's eyes sweep kibum's profile and despite the doubts whispering in his head, he smiles. "hi," he says, lips forming the words hidden in his heart. "i've missed you."

 

kibum starts at the words, and tears fill and spill over from his eyes. "it _is_ you," he whispers, fingers reaching up to gingerly trace jonghyun's mouth. "i have so much to tell you," he exclaims.

 

he begins talking, a rush of syllables, mouth moving too quick, words tumbling over each other, barely taking a breath. as if trying to condense the years without jonghyun into a few minutes, as if afraid jonghyun will disappear from his sight again. jonghyun feels a burden drop quietly from his shoulders and he glances at minho, standing patiently behind them. minho smiles, and it is a kind one.

 

"breathe, love, we have time now," he interrupts kibum, and kibum's words freeze and fall away and he begins crying in earnest.

 

"i've missed you _so much_ ," he says, between sobs and as jonghyun draws him close, white light glows around them and the walls begin to disappear. kibum clutches onto jonghyun tighter, fingers digging into his back.

 

"we have time now," jonghyun repeats. "forever." he glances at minho for confirmation, and almost blurred behind the light, sees them nod and smile. "forever," he says again, firmly, a promise for both kibum and himself. and kibum smiles through his tears and kisses him hard.

**Author's Note:**

> first thing i've written in the past month or so i do not hate.  
> that much.


End file.
